• “I never know how to answer that question, especially when I’ve just met how to message someone on manhunt someone! How do you usually answer that question?” (It’s totally fair to turn this around on the person who asked – if they are asking this question in this way chances are they have their own agenda).
• “I guess I’d like to go on some fun dates and enjoy myself and then see if there’s enough chemistry for a longer-term thing or if it’s better to keep it casual.”
• “My answer to that really depends on the person. Why, what do you have in mind?”
• “I’ll know it when I see it. What’s the weirdest answer anyone has told you when you’ve asked that?”
• “I want to get married and have ONE MILLION babies. Also, are you rich? You seem rich, and that’s awesome because I’m quitting my job soon.” “Just kidding – I wanted to see your face when I said that, though!” (To be clear, if a person did want to find someone to marry, that’s good information and you shouldn’t have to hide it in order to pretend to be cool. “I know for sure I want to have kids someday, and I’d love to settle down soon, but I’m not in a hurry to lock things down with you, specifically, right now – let’s just date for a bit and see how it goes.” If that totally scares someone off from you, let them get scared!)

112 thoughts on “ #1094: How do I answer the “what are you looking for in a relationship” question when I’m not sure I know? ”

I liked saying “I’m looking for someone who is open to the possibility of marriage but not having more kids.” (I was okay with the idea of stepping 1-2 kids of a certain age, but not birthing or adopting).

In some ways if that scared some folks off, awesome. I actually put that in my profile so that I didn’t have to have the “so do you want to get married. ” talk.

It may be worth noting that I was in my late 30s, so I can understand that may be VERY different coming from someone early 20s.

Someone once mentioned on here that their criteria for whether or not they want to bang someone is that the person doesn’t want to make a lampshade out of their skin, and I think that’s a great place to start. Be with people who make you feel safe and happy and I think your relationship goals will become clear over time.

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To be honest, I think this LW might be overthinking the question. S/he already had the perfect response to “What are you looking for in a relationship?” in the body of her/his question:

Personally, I don’t go looking for a particular type of relationship. I just look for someone I connect with and hope that we are both on the same page. Sometimes it leads to a long-term monogamous relationship, sometimes it leads to something more casual but equally fulfilling, sometimes it leads to a whole lot of drama, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to anything.

I think the Captain has some good suggestions about being honest about your dealbreakers (no matter how “stupid” they are) and not hiding the things about yourself that might be dealbreakers to other people. But if you’re dating to meet people and see where it goes-which may well be nowhere-then there’s nothing wrong with stating that.